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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
It's a new year, so perhaps we can finally put an end to rampant incompetence that continues to plague this office. For the last time, do not use permanent markers on the dry erase board. The only time it has ever been acceptable to use permanent markers on the dry erase board, was when I wrote, "DO NOT USE PERMANENT MARKERS" in permanent marker on the dry erase board. My warning could not be any clearer.
The marker that conveniently says "dry erase marker" on it is the only writing utensil appropriate for the dry erase board. It doesn't take a genius to see the connection between the "dry erase marker" and the "dry erase board." Obviously, dry erase markers don't contain xylene and/or toluene, hence their use on white boards or overhead transparencies and their subsequent inability to be used on porous surfaces. If you can't understand some basic advanced chemistry, maybe you're not cut out to work in the office supplies industry.
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ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER |
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by Angela Martin
Apparently, I haven't made myself clear. You know what's not cute? Sending me your sick, twisted, deviant emails of un-cute animals. And just because a photograph has a cat in it, does not automatically make it acceptable. A certain obese accountant, who still struggles with the concept of rounding numbers up or down, but shall remain nameless, sent me a photos from the "Cats and Racks" series-images of kittens poking their tiny heads out between women's cleavage. There is nothing cute about a sweet, innocent cat, being exploited by deranged pornographers. It's sick! Here is another example of a cat photograph emailed to me that I find reprehensible:
Not cute: Look at how depressed this cat looks. Some negligent parent probably stranded it in the middle of the desert and left it to fend for itself. The little guy looks like he's trying to fit in with the prairie dogs, but that just seems unnatural to me.
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THE CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
Omigod! Have you guys been watching MTV's new reality show, The City?! It's this amazing spin-off of The Hills. I so want to be Whitney Port!
Let's recap her life: she works for Diane von Furstenberg, she buys Manolo Blahniks, she dates a hot Australian singer, and drama follows her everywhere. I mean, it kind of lacks the whole Heidi/Spencer/Lauren intrigue of The Hills, but that's just because Whitney is so classy. At least for now. Lauren used to be classy and then she dated the wrong guy and apparently there's a sex tape out there somewhere, which I would kill to see, because her boyfriend was super hot and watching celebrity sex tapes is a totally acceptable form of porn. Anyway, I'm pretty sure if Jay (the hot Australian singer Whitney is dating) turns out to be bad (and guys with accents are almost always bad), Whitney will be popping up in sex tapes in no time, which would be exactly the kind of Britney-esque, fall from grace, must-see TV that makes MTV an American treasure. And FYI you guys, Whitney is off to a good start. I totally peeped pictures of her top "accidentally" falling off at the beach when she got hit by a huge wave. What a slut, right?! I'm sooooo excited to see what happens!!!
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
It's a new year and I RESOLVE to make it the best year ever. How do I plan to top last year (a year in which I finally made the Taco Bandido Big Bad Burrito Wall of Fame and the manager said, "I can't believe you ate the whole thing!" and I said, "That's what she said!" and then he spit soda out of his nose)? Well, it's not going to be easy, but my New Year's Resolutions should come in handy:
- Grow another inch or two.
- Finally finish my "Best of SNL - The Jim Breuer Years" video and master my Goat Boy impression.
- Get down to my target weight (what I weighed in 7th grade… I was short and chubby then) AND stay there!
- Be a great father and husband (which hopefully will involve getting married and having children).
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