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FLAX "SEEDS" |
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by Holly Flax
 I'm still loving "the Seeds." I hope you are too. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if they're half as much fun to read as they are to write, then you guys must be having a good time. Not like an illegally good time, but a fun, wholesome, chaperoned dance with a pretty good DJ and great punch, good time. Does that make any sense? I should probably just stick to my strengths, so heeeere weeeee goooo!
- Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I decided to try a little experiment, so I ordered both at Denny's last week, and they came out at the EXACT SAME TIME!
- A "head-butt" is when you hit someone with your head. A "butt-butt" is when you hit someone with your butt. And a "butt-head" is a person who likes to "head-butt" and/or "butt-butt" someone who doesn't deserve it.
- If clouds are formed from evaporated water, why don't they freeze when it's really really cold?
- A catfish has approximately 100,000 taste buds. Maybe that's why they taste so good.
- Trading Places is a hilarious movie about people switching lives. Trading Spaces is a super-fun TV show where people "face-off" in a redecorating challenge. Face/Off is a scary movie about two guys "trading faces."
- Cockroaches can survive a nuclear strike, but not a strike from the bottom of my shoe. Go figure.
Did I just blow your mind?! I hope so. Well, not literally. I just hope your brain was tickled. Oh and remember, if there's an issue with your check, you don't have to yell at the accountants, you can discuss it with me, and I'll yell at them. Kidding. But we'll work something out. Until next time, later alligator.
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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
Last week, I noticed a surge protector, fully loaded with plugs, including another surge protector - which was also fully loaded with plugs! If this office continues to mock my fire safety memos, they're going to get burned. Literally. Do you know what a fifth degree burn feels like? It feels like nothing... because your hypodermis will all be burned off, straight down to the blackened muscle, tendons, and ligament, destroying your pain-sensing nerves in the process. "Well at least it's not painful. I'll probably just have my skin grafted back on and nourished by plasmatic imbibition. I'm sure capillary inosculation will occur within 36 hours," you smugly say. Well, here's what I say, "Shut it, no back talk! I don't care about advances in modern medicine, you put the lives of everyone in the office at risk (except for me because I'm fast). In the future, you need to heed proper surge protector and outlet safety regulations."
Oh, post script, if you're missing a surge protector, you brought it on yourself.
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FOOTBALL PICKS |
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by Kevin Malone
It's Week 3 sports gambling fans and this is where things get interesting. The big game this week is the Dallas Cowboys against the Green Bay Packers. This one is too close to call, so I've got to go to my gambling rules.
Rule 1: When in doubt, bet against any team that's from a city famous for an unhealthy food. Think about it - the Buffalo Bills are usually bad and I think it's because they eat so many Buffalo wings which makes them all fat and out of shape. The New Orleans Saints eat all that Cajun food and get heartburn and can't run fast. And the Philadelphia Eagles have never won the Super Bowl thanks to the irresistibly tasty cheese steak.
But I don't know what kind of food they have in Green Bay or in Dallas. So...
Rule 2: When things get real confusing, bet based on who would win a fight between the two teams' mascots. It sounds crazy, but I made a fortune when the GIANTS beat the PATRIOTS in last year's Super Bowl. Giants are big and Patriots are little. Easy money.
In this case, the Cowboys would be fighting the Packers. I have no idea what the hell a Packer is. They wear cheese hats in Green Bay so maybe they pack cheese, but I don't think you pack cheese. Maybe the cheese is unrelated. I don't know, it's confusing. So I'm inventing a new rule...
Rule 3: Flip a coin. Look for patterns.
I got two "heads" (Cowboys) in a row. Based on that, I'm putting about $200 on Dallas. It's my lock of the week!
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THE CELEB 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
Britney is back biotches!!!!!!! She won three VMA's at the MTV Video Music Awards. Three!!!! OMG, if I could win one, just one, it would be amazing!!! But Britney won three and she looked amazing in that opening thingy with Jonah Hill and when he kept trying to kiss her, I almost peed my pants!!! Mad props to him for trying to hit that, LOL, because when she came out in that silver dress and opened the show, OMFG, she looked sooooo hot!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder what Justin was thinking. Was he all like, "oh snap, ol' girl is lookin' fine, maybe I should collaborate with her again, if you catch my drift." Or do you think he's over blondes? He's dated like a bunch of them. Maybe he's looking to keep it real, maybe he wants someone more exotic, someone more Indian, maybe just maybe... :-) Anyway, if they got back together, I wouldn't be jealous - how could I stand in the way of that type of epic love, spanning months and years and a couple of albums?!! So here's the 411: Britney and JT back together? TBD. Britney back? Definitely!!!!!
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AND NOW MICHAEL SCOTT |
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by Michael Scott
I was flipping through the channels last Sunday and there was this weird new show on called 60 Minutes. It was mostly political and depressing and yappy-yappy. But there was this one part at the end, where this really old guy talked about what was in his kitchen drawers. And it was hilarious!!!! That guy, Mickey Rooney was his name I think, really just told like it was. And it got me thinking, I need to tell it like it was too. And now, Michael Scott:
I have a lot of stuff in my desk and I can't figure out what it's all doing there. I have an inbox plus an outbox. The inbox is filled with papers that I'm supposed to look at, but it gets so full, that I usually put the important junk in my outbox. Except, someone is always emptying it before I have a chance to look at it. What I really want is an Xbox. The video game system. That would be sweet.
I have close to 100 fortunes from fortune cookies in my desk. Packer and I went out for Chinese food and he taught me this great game where you add the words "in bed" to the end of your fortune (it sounds complicated, but it's easy to play). Anyway, ever since that fateful day, every fortune has become a valued treasure, especially, "Plan for many pleasures ahead IN BED." I wonder how you say, "that's what she said," in Chinese.
I also found a bunch of unapproved vacation request forms (boring), a list of new companies from the chamber of commerce (snoozeville), and one of those gigantic jawbreakers that I started a few years ago and always meant to come back to (still tasty). So long story short, if you're like me, you accumulate a bunch of crap in your desk, and most of it is a total waste of time to even look at, but it's good to keep around, because you never know when you might need it. As the Chinese say, "you can always find happiness at work on Friday IN BED!" But not if you throw your happiness in the trash. I'm Michael Scott.
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