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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
 It's been brought to my attention that several employees have privately complained to Toby about my practice of rolling sales-calls while using the office bathroom. My request to speak to these anonymous complainers individually was denied, so I'm publicly addressing them through this column. Yes, I talk on the phone when I use the bathroom; it's called multi-tasking and it's something I excel at. While many of you do crossword puzzles or peruse that filthy edition of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, I'm making sales. Surely the fact that anyone has an issue with this tactic is far more disturbing than having to listen to me do business while I take care of my business.
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ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER |
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by Angela Martin
Out of respect for all the black cats who have been subjected to hate crimes, Angela's Cute Corner will take a one-month hiatus. I know for many of you, the adorable pictures of cats and the knowledge you gain regarding which non-cat animals are un-cute, is the highlight of your month and that you may be devastated by its absence, but I want you to think about that pain, really focus on it, and then think about those poor cats being abused...don't they have it even worse. So go to a shelter and rescue a black cat. And if you can't quite stomach that, maybe try an adorable tuxedo kitten. They'll help you get over your fears and superstition of black cats, just like they did for me.
courtesy of cuteoverload.com |
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PAM SPEAKS |
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by Pam Beesly
 I'm glad that people have taken such an interest in my pregnancy. Sometimes it's sweet and I'm sure you all have the best of intentions, but I would prefer people to stop doing the following things to me: grabbing my stomach, making loud comments about how I'm already showing, trying to lift up my shirt to look at my stomach, referring to my wedding as a shotgun wedding (we were engaged before I got pregnant!), and speculating loudly about who the father is.
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TOBY OR NOT TOBY |
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by Toby Flenderson
Hey guys, I was just wondering if anyone wanted to carpool with me to Jim and Pam's wedding. I have a bunch of extra space in my car and I'll even cover the cost of gas. Driving by myself gets kind of lonely and as much as I enjoy listening to NPR, I have to admit that sometimes I think about driving into the on-coming traffic when I have to listen to Guy Noir on A Prairie Home Companion. I suppose I could change the channel, but I really hate listening to commercials too. Anyway, I think the trip would be more enjoyable (and better for the environment) if I had some company.
By the way, the title of my column is a play on Shakespeare's famous "To be or not to be" line. I thought it was kind of funny at first, then I started losing faith in it, but I couldn't think of anything else. I hope it doesn't negatively affect your decision to carpool with me.
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
When Toby first submitted his column to me, I laughed in his face. He wanted to write a column for MY newsletter...yeah right! But then I had a change of heart. I guess I just thought it would be hilarious if he published it and still nobody wanted to ride with him. Anyway, I decided that Toby's column absolutely necessitated I write a Top 10 list...
The Top 10 Reasons Why Carpooling With Toby Is Worse Than Death:
10. It would probably get pretty hot riding in the car with Satan.
9. Toby sucks at everything, and driving is a thing, so Toby sucks at driving.
8. Toby is poor and his car is not as comfortable as mine.
7. Toby is desperate and will hit on anyone (man or woman) and it will be awk-ward!
6. Two words: barf breath!
5. People hate Toby, so someone probably will try to run you off the road.
4. Listening to his whiny voice for several hours will make your brain bleed.
3. He will think you're best friends and get totally clingy.
2. Hearing stories about his divorce is more boring than classical music.
1. You would have to ride all the way to Niagara Falls with Toby!
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