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DWIGHT SPEAKS! |
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by Dwight Schrute
Driving is not a right; it's a privilege, so that makes parking a luxury. Let me remind you all that luxuries can easily be taken away! Need I repeat that the speed limit in our parking lot is 7 mph? Just yesterday I clocked Mrs. Phyllis Vance racing into the lot at a raging 8.5 mph. When the temp's mother drops him off, it's illegal for her to pull into the handicapped space to turn around. And the cones that I have set up around my desired space are MY PROPERTY! I put them out there every night to reserve my space, moving them is a form of vandalism and parking in that space is trespassing - I don't care if you are a new co-manager, I have a right to shoot trespassers! Let me warn all of you, I have purchased several vehicle immobilizers from eBay (Electronic Bay). The next time I see any of you disregard the policies of the parking lot, you're getting a boot on your car and I will not remove it until you pass a thirteen page written test on parking conduct. |
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ANGELA'S CUTE CORNER |
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by Angela Martin
If you're going to dress up as a cat you should hold yourself with the respect, dignity and the purity of a cat. Tight, revealing, tawdry costumes are not cute, in fact they're offensive. I hate seeing what Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt, Josie and those Pussycats have done to reputation of cat costumes. Trashy images like these are unacceptable:
These, however, are tasteful cat costumes I do approve of:
People: cats are clean, proper, noble animals. If you are going to dress up as a whorish animal, be a dog!
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CREEDY NEEDS YOUR HELP |
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by Creed Bratton
Has anyone seen a brown bag lying around the office? If you have, please return it to me at once. It got away from me when I was poking around for copper. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT LOOK IN THE BAG, under any circumstances. And if anyone comes into the office looking for me, DO NOT TELL THEM I LOST THE BAG - I'm begging you.
Also, has anyone seen a briefcase lying around? If so, I need that back too.
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KELLY 411 |
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by Kelly Kapoor
In honor of "Male Prima Donna" dropping this week (the song recorded by my girl group, Subtle Sexuality) I thought I'd pay homage to another sexy music legend: Miss Britney Spears.
I don't know why people talk smack about her voice, I saw her in concert and she sounded amazing, exactly like she sounds on her CDs. Plus, Brit Brit has been raising the bar on hotness since she was like 16. She's explored so many sexy fantasies from sexy Catholic School Girl in "Baby One More Time," expressing herself with "Touch of my Hand," and phone sex in "Phonograph." She's so empowering for women. Now she's done it again by singing about mιnage ΰ trios in her new song, "3." Britney Spears: Pop Diva, Single Mother, Trailblazer, Pioneer...the Christina Aguilera of our generation.
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SCOTT'S SHOTS |
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by Michael Scott
Halloween is almost here!!! Now I know that most of you have your costumes picked out for this year and they're all lame, so I've done some brainstorming on all your behaves and this is what I think you should be next Halloween:
- Oscar The Chiquita Banana Lady
- Andy Frankenstein or Herman Munster
- Angela The girl in The Orphan
- Phyllis That nun in Sister Act - not Whoopi, the other one
- Stanley Aretha Franklin, because you're Sass-A
- Kevin The Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, try not to eat yourself!
- Jim John Gosselin
- Pam Octomom
- Dwight Big Baby
- Kelly Pocahontas
- Creed Old Pirate or Old Gypsy (if you're still around)
- Ryan Chip N Dale Dancer, obviously
- Erin "Pimpy" Longstocking
- Meredith Carrot Top, hilarious
You guys can thank me when you all win the office costume contest next year!!!
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